Insufferable

The reality that we’ve accepted demands an environment of instant recovery and no time for grief. I am constantly told to make emotionless decisions. To be rational. But after a lifetime of feeling everything, how can I be asked to settle for nothing. There’s so much I want to say, but there is no exact beginning, I always find myself right in the middle. Time can’t be traced, I prefer my life to be a little blurry. I’m obsessive, I’m driven by the need for academic validation, I romanticize my mood swings…I am not merely present here in this once space. I don’t entirely know who I am, and I don’t think anyone does. I think I’m perpetually unwell, but being unhinged, out of touch, it feels so real to me. I want to be at a state of satisfaction, at a point where I can make one mistake, two mistakes, but still love myself and the decisions I made. Free will, choice, its all up to me. Our brains are trying to make wholes out of parts that don’t fit, that were never meant to fit, because we are unwilling to accept uncertainty. I’ve created enough maladaptive worlds to know they aren’t real but when I’m here, it’s not enough for me to be satisfied. But I’ll keep coming back for reasons I can perhaps answer in 3 to 5 business days. I’m spinning and I’ll never stop.