Part 4: Anamnesis

My brother and I used to share a room when we were younger, and I remained while he shifted to a different part of the house. The walls were painted blue on his side, and pink on my side with little decals of animals. Today, as I write this essay on the floor of my room, I still see the pink and blue walls as they were. Of course, I’ve added things, but I have never gotten around to repainting the walls. Every time I begin to ask, I can’t help but feel a sense of overwhelming guilt. Some things never change. I am reminded of the girl I was when I’m in my room, which is probably why I spend most of my time here. I have the same Hello Kitty stuffed animal on my bed, and a dream catcher I made in fourth grade on my nightstand. I love the concept of dreams within dreams, blue eyeliner, the color red, the black keys on a piano, sandalwood aloe, and Mad Girl’s Love Song. All of these concepts are so beautiful and remind me of the person I am, was, and could be. Some things never change. 

When I was in 5th grade, I was in the city with my family, and a lady from a modeling agency scouted me and asked my mom if I would like to join her company. It was the first time I felt pretty, and today when I struggle with ugly thoughts, I look back to this point in time. Out of all the people in the crowded market, she saw me. Was it me or her perception, both, neither, or just circumstantial? I did the modeling program for a year, traveling to the city on Saturday mornings and learning how to project myself. For a while, I wanted to be a model, but when opportunities presented themselves, I never grasped them. It is because of this that I feel regret and jealousy when I see beautiful girls on those large screens in malls, but there’s a different path for me. What’s ironic is that I struggle, like most teenagers, with the idea of “feeling pretty.” I used to wonder if it was just my conscience and not my physical body, and if I were somebody else, my life could be more fulfilling. But now I realize this is a personal struggle I will have to deal with, and I’m sick of the “ I don’t want to be you anymore” mindset I’ve had for the past 17 years. I’m a different person now, and I want to feel good about my life.