spider in the toilet
T.W. MENTION OF SELF HARM AND DROWNING, DISCRETION ADVISED
In the pool, I ask my younger brother to push me down, and hold me there even as I begin to struggle. I said it while laughing and told him I would stop right before I ran out of air. But that was so he would actually fo it. It hurts, it burns as I try to kill myself, but I find myself comforted. When I would feel anxiety consuming the volume of my lungs, much like the chlorine soaked H20, I would think: I could just die right now and everything would stop. It’s so messed up but it provided solace I could not find anywhere else. Even more so when I would buy pretty scissors and bring Advil bottles to my room as a reminder. My bathroom is a small space attached to my room. Its where I cry all the tears that will never make me prettier, or smarter. They just rest on my cheeks, and I am reminded of everything I never said. The white paint is chipping and the fluorescent lights seem to highlight the fundaments of my flaws. But I love it. I can’t say I feel sane in many places, but my tiny bathroom is one of them where insanity is sanity and I am me without the overwhelming need to act like a masked version of the person I want to be. As I lay parallel to the sink, the shower is dripping water and the toilet just sits. No matter how many times we flush, the toilet will remain standing. Once there was a spider crawling in it. I saw it after one of my numbing sessions of meaningless introspective bs. I was scared, but it was 2 am. There was no one around to help, so I slammed the lid shut and flushed 4 times. Spider went down with 0 control. I wasn’t directly blocking its oxygen, but my fingers were cold and tainted with blue. I never knew asphyxiation could feel like a toilet flush. I fear spiders, but I guess they should fear me. Crawling, beady eyes, legs. It had no control, I was jealous. No matter how much I try to gamble with my existence, self control, a grip, cold fingers around my neck always bring me back. There was a spider in the toilet but it is I who drowned, 4 times, on repeat. But I never left, and I don’t think I want to.
